Learning to Deal

One thing that I have learned since my mother died is that unkind people feel that it is okay to be mean to you once your mother is gone. Maybe they hold their tongues before because they fear retribution from a protective mother; maybe it is out of respect toward a mother's love. I cannot begin to guess. But I did not see this coming.

It began with people who I thought were friends. Soon after my mother died, some of them began to treat me badly. I felt betrayed. It was so flagrant I thought I was surely losing my mind. Then my healing began and I saw that as hurtful as it was, it made it easier to see who my real friends really were. Heck, my mother died. My best friend in the whole world was gone. I had survived that and I was slowly healing from that. I would absolutely get over being stabbed in the back from a few phonies along the way.

Then my cousin attacked me. This is a woman I had always admired, idolized even. She called me the most selfish woman on earth for adopting my precious daughter. I was speechless. No one, not even my loveless sisters. had ever questioned my adoption. I still don't even know what to make of it. On a basic human level, she has no reason to attack me, to hurt me.. On a primal womanly level, she insulted me. Who the hell does she think she is to question my reproductive choices? She is a multimillionaire. No one would dare question her choices to plan her family. What gives her the right to have a say in how I planned mine?

And of course, there are my sisters. My babysister who revealed she has to "work so hard" at a relationship with me. Really. Loving her comes as naturally to me as breathing. Every parent/teacher conference I went to for her, every date I took her on, every gift I ever bought her, every special outing we had, every homework assignment I helped her with, planning her Halloween party, her Sweet 16 Party, all were from the love in my heart, not obligation or responsibility. She was mine as much as she was my mother's. She was, as we used to call her, precious. Loving her, and having a relationship with her has never been hard work. But I guess, with no one to tell her she is being mean, she feels she can speak her mind without any filter.

I don't even feel that way about my other sister with whom things have always been contentious. She insults, she hurts, and she alienates. I have put up with her bullying and abuse out of respect for my parents for years upon years. I don't have to anymore. But I don't have to be mean about it. I am done with her, but out of respect for my mother I won't be nasty and abusive like she is. I can just say my own good-byes to all the hurt and humiliation.

My mother is gone and there are mean opportunists who want to take advantage. But as I heal from the worst wound of my life, I am stronger to deal with the petty bothers that life has in store for me. Because after losing my mother, all the rest is just petty bothers.