My life this summer was the disaster wrought by the cataclysm of a perfect storm. I don't know if I am starting to recover, but I hope that I am. It has certainly been a long four months since I posted here.
I have had to face many difficulties during these four months. I thought it was enough that I was dealing with my mother's death, and grieving her loss, and trying to make sense of life without her. But there was more loss to contend with. My "baby" boy, my buddy, who had turned eighteen, did not live up to the promise of his early years. He did not, as I had so often whispered so confidently into his ear as we cuddled at bedtime, reading a story or watching the last TV program before lights out, choose a path that would do "so much good for this world." Instead, he chose to follow some shallow people, trade his future for the immediate, if fleeting, gratification of drugs, and forsake all of the lessons of his upbringing. He failed out of school, costing me a small fortune in application costs, registration fees, and deposits for the one college he did get into, and he severely damaged our home by allowing people in, even advertising an "open crib" on Facebook for the days I was in the hospital having surgery. I had to put him out. He is in New Jersey with his father. He is making salads in a restaurant. I mourn the loss of my gifted, talented, thoughtful, moral, religious, and funny boy. I miss my son.
My surgery. I can't seem to recover from my surgery. I have literally had a headache since July 21st. I have seen a neurologist, a dentist, an eye doctor, and an ENT. I still have a headache. God help me. I am a zombie. How can I even begin to move on with my life when I am in such pain? Maybe every five days or so I have one or two good days. But on those days, I walk around on eggshells afraid the headache will come back, which it always does. I don't drink coffee, I don't take medications which can cause rebound headaches. No one can figure out what it is. So I am dealing with this too.
I can't make ends meet. And now my children's father says he won't be sending what he'd been sending because he'd been let go from one of his jobs. I don't know what I am going to do. I am terrified. I can't afford my apartment, but I can't afford to move. I could never come up with first and last month's rents plus fees and the costs of moving. So I am trapped, but what is the outcome? I really can't afford the rent here. I can't sleep at night thinking of it.
So these are all the stresses and heartbreaks that have plagued me this summer. Days when I could not get out of bed for the pain, or weakness. And then days when the depression was so bad that I didn't think I even wanted to live anymore. Luckily for me, I found a wonderful therapist who is helping me. She is confident I can get stronger even if I am not, at this point. I am just willing to try anything to feel better. Which is a huge improvement from three months ago.
And all of this would be so much easier to deal with if my mother were here. She'd help me through this as she has helped me through so many situations in the past. Or she'd know what to say. Or she'd just make me laugh.
