Happy Birthday to Me

My mother didn't think it was a proper birthday celebration without balloons. She insisted for everyone of her grandchildren's birthdays that my sister and I get balloons, and ditto for my daughter Lily's "Gotcha Day." Birthdays were important to my mother and that is why, despite the fact that I made it through her one year anniversary strong and without fuss, I am finding it hard to keep a dry eye today. It is my birthday. And despite the fact that there are people who have been kind and given me good wishes, it just doesn't feel like a real birthday without my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, for whom this day was truly special as only a mother can know.

I am alone. I have to face tragedy alone. I have to carve out happiness alone. I have to celebrate my birthdays alone. Being told "Happy Birthday" just isn't the same when the person for whom it was just as special is no longer with you. Oh, I know I could put some spin on it. I could decide to just be happy. And I have been doing that. I have been working hard at it. But today, I am sad. It is just too much for me. My grief is a truly physical burden which I am carrying around with me today until I can purge it in a bathtub soak and cry.