I Can't Do It

I absolutely cannot do this. I cannot get my daughter ready and myself fixed up and get to the Church tomorrow for her First Holy Communion. Oh, I was so hopeful and even proud, but I realize now, sitting here with a migraine and nausea, that I cannot do it.

My daughter is the love of my life. She has exceeded all of my hopes and dreams. And she is with me because of my mother. It was my mother who held on to my dream to adopt a baby girl. It was my mother who never let me lose sight of that dream. There were many many setbacks and I lost hope that I would ever hold my baby in my arms. That was ridiculous to my mother. It was not just a dream to her: it was a reality. And to her, my daughter was waiting for me. She never ever let me think otherwise.

My mother was supposed to be here with us when Lily made her communion. A lapsed, but believing Catholic, I really only baptized her for my mother. And my mother was her godmother just like her mother had been mine. Forget about the fact that we did not shop for the dress and veil and shoes together. I realized tonight that none of that really matters and perhaps that is why I was able to do it alone. My mother was supposed to be with us. She was supposed to see her granddaughter make her First Holy Communion. And I cannot do it without her.

I can't do this. What am I going to do? I can't do this.

Additionally, there are bags and two suitcases on my foyer floor. There is garbage and clothes and bedding in my living room. My two teenaged sons have trashed my home, nursing their individual hurts and problems. I know they are stressed and unhappy, and I don't want to make it worse, but I am stressed and unhappy too. I need my apartment to remain tidy after I clean - at least until the next day. I am having my Dad over tomorrow after the communion. I cannot possibly get everything ready and clean up after two grown boys. My mother would know how to handle it. She would tell me what to do, or at least offer some sympathy for my stress and fatigue. The awful part is that I can't hear her voice. I can't imagine what she might say to me. I am too profoundly tired to see through all that needs to be done and know how to do it. I feel underappreciated, taken for granted, and alone.

I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT HER. I NEED MY MOTHER, MY FRIEND, MY SUPPORT. I CANNOT DO THIS. I JUST CAN'T.